Wife Says I do not Show Her Love and Affection
Question:
“My wife says I do not show her that I love her. I try to tell her every day, but she says I’m not affectionate enough. She says I don’t show her that I care about the troubles in her life that she is dealing with each day. I agree with this but the words she expects from me do not come naturally.
She say’s I’m unemotional and since I did not grieve (outwardly) a lot when my father passed away, then I will not be able to support her when her parents pass away.
I do struggle a lot in finding the words she needs to hear and also with being affectionate (especially in public), but this does not mean I don’t love her. I just want to know how to show her that I do love her without having to put on a different personality?”
Answer:
First of all, when a husband hears statements like this from his wife, he will be wise not to criticize her or defend his case. These remarks are what I call “warning lights on the dash”. That is, if you ignore them or just try to explain them away, your “engine” will “break down” at some point or another.
In other articles, I talk about the fact that a husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden in the proper way, then weeds of negativity, bitterness, and malice will tend to start coming up in the garden. At this point, a husband has a choice. He may either spend the rest of his days complaining about the weeds or move on to another garden, or he will do what it takes to ensure that no more weeds start to grow in his garden. It’s your call as to which option you will take, however, trust me, you will be a much happier man if you will do the work that it takes to keep the weeds from growing.
By the way, the scriptures actually tell us that husbands will have this particular temptation. In Colossians 3:19, the Bible says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
Translated: Stop complaining about the weeds, and do what it takes to pull them out of your garden.
We actually deal with this in our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage. You may want to order this Audio Cd Series as it addresses this specific issue. Click Here for ordering information.
Also, not a one of us exchanged wedding vows like this:
“I will love you as long as it fits my personality.”
or
“I will meet your needs as long as I don’t have to stretch out of my comfort zone.”
For some reason, God has designed it so that what your spouse needs the most will probably be the most unnatural thing for you to do. That is, my wife is not a natural talker, but she recognizes that I have a need in my life for compliments and verbal encouragement. Therefore, she has to work at meeting this need in my life. By the way, this is also covered on our Audio Cd Series. Click Here for ordering information.
You see, I believe that God, through marriage, teaches us that love is not about us. I also believe that God uses marriage to teach us that love is about denying ourselves and meeting the needs of others regardless of our own personal feelings. I Corinthians 13:5 says that true love “seeketh not her own.” In other words, true love is not about doing for others as long as it pleases you, but true love is about loving others regardless of how you feel. In fact, if we only love others when it falls in line with our personal bent, then that is not true love. That is just doing things for others as long as there is something in it for us. Luke 6:35 addresses this issue.
I have five children. They all have very different personalities. What would happen if only two of them had a personality that was compatible with mine? Am I supposed to say, “Too bad. I guess I’ll never be able to relate to the other three.”? Not at all. In fact, love, true love, is willing to give even though it, at times, causes a certain level of discomfort. As far as you are concerned, if you want to get over this hump in your marriage, then you will have to take on the same attitude.
Before I close, let me also add that the scriptures tell us that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved church. In fact, here’s an exact quote from Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”
To put it bluntly, I really do not believe that Christ enjoyed the cross, nor do I believe that He was willing to go to the cross because it was a part of his personality. I believe he was willing to suffer on the cross because of His love toward us, and God says that husbands are to love their wives in the same way that Christ showed his love toward us. In reality, if you will compare what your wife is desiring out of you to the cross, there really is no comparison.
Your marriage is at, what I call, a pivot point. You may want to check out this particular article and read it to the end. It may be found by clicking on the following link. Click Here to check out this other article.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
To Order our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage, Click Here.
Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
