Question: “I am a wife of 5 years and I have lost my feelings for my husband. Why do I not have feelings for my husband anymore?”

Answer:

I would recommend that you read this article all the way through to the end. I believe you will find your answer.

Listen to a recent quote from our question and answer site:

“Relationships are like houses in that they always look better at a distance. Once you get closer, you realize that they all take hard work and a lot of ‘elbow grease’ to keep them looking good.”

Many of us grow up with the idea that happiness is all about finding that special someone and living together in perfect harmony and unity with that special someone for the rest of our lives. Whereas this is typically part of the equation, if we do not mix our relationship with that special someone with a few key components in our lives, then that special someone can quickly become a tremendous source of irritation in our lives, and our dreams can slowly start to turn into nightmares. I like to say that even two of the most compatible people in a marriage without God, a proper understanding of true, sacrificial love, and adequate conflict resolution skills soon become extremely unlikable in each other’s eyes.

So, to keep your “house” looking good, I would definitely recommend that you heed the following bit of advice:

First of all, I am a firm believer that any home without Christ is a dysfunctional home in some form or fashion. Marriage was meant to be a triune relationship that has God at the very center. In fact, I believe that the scriptures teach that it is virtually impossible for two people to grow closer to Christ without growing closer to one another (I John 1:7 – This is the verse that revolutionized our marriage.). If you think about it, Adam and Eve had a perfect relationship with one another as long as their relationship with God was in tact, however, it wasn’t until after their relationship with God was marred that strife, disunity, anger, and disappointment arrived on the scene.

Listen to a quote from a previous article that I have written on this subject:

“Many people enter into marriage thinking that their new relationship will make them happy or fulfill all of their dreams, however, if a person is unhappy and unfulfilled before marriage, then they will also feel empty and unfulfilled after marriage. Why? Not one single person or thing in this world is big enough to fill the void and the empty space that we are all born with in our hearts.

Someone once said that to try to fill that empty space and that void with other people and the things of this world is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It just will not fit. Another popular saying is that every person is born with a God-shaped vacuum in their heart, and until God fills that void, a person will remain in an unhappy and unfulfilled state.

When two unhappy and unfulfilled people enter into marriage, they start to look to one another for fulfillment. Obviously, when this happens, both parties will ‘come up dry’ every time and marriage problems soon start to occur. Patrick Morely states in his book, ‘Man in the Mirror’, that in this situation you end up with ‘two tics and no dog’. That is, they will typically ‘suck the life‘ right out of one another, and, soon, they will be turning to other things and people to fill that empty spot.”

I tell people all the time that my wife and I would not be together today if it was not for the fact that we have both been dedicated Christians over the years. As a matter of fact, this leads me to one of my favorite statistics. I will relay this stat by quoting from a previous article:

“It is no secret that one out of every two to three marriages today end in divorce, nevertheless, did you know that only one out of every 1,152 marriages where the couple prays together and attends church on a regular basis end in divorce? ”

Secondly, husbands and wives should understand that if they are going to keep their “house” looking good, then they are going to have to work at it. For many newlyweds, there is what I call a pivot point in their relationship that few seem to realize is ahead of them. For some this pivot point happens early, but for others it may be a few years down the road. Nevertheless, let me explain what I mean by a pivot point.

Many couples enter into marriage thinking that the feelings that carried them across the threshold are going to take them far into the future. Not so. At some point, they are going to have to realize that for a marriage to thrive, they will have to intentionally gather together their emotional “work gloves”, relational “hard hat”, and “blueprints for life” (the Bible, great books, and capable mentors and teachers) and work at loving one another on a day to day basis. That is, instead of basing your actions on your feelings, at some point, you will have to learn to base your feelings on your actions. I sometimes also say that couples must understand that their feelings are no longer a suitable conduit for their actions, but their actions must become the conduit for their feelings.

Unfortunately, many couples are confusing this pivot point in their marriage for a loss of love, and, to be frank, this is why we are now seeing a vast of amount of thirty, forty, and fifty year old people trying to act like they did when they were eighteen or nineteen years of age. In their minds, that was as good as it got as far as love, sex, and relationships are concerned. The underlying problem, when it came time to pivot and raise their relationship to the next level (a level that would have provided more stability and security), they balked, thinking their love was waning instead of realizing that love, true love, was about to bloom in their life for the first time.

Now, this brings me to a great point. The love that is based on actions is the type of love that you need in old age anyway. Think about it. Do you want to have a teenage type of love that is based on looks and hormones alone when you are in your sixties and seventies? In fact, when your hair starts to turn gray, your teeth start to fall out, and you can hardly stand up straight, do you want a spouse that is only turned on by looks, hormones, and “giddy“ feelings. Talk about insecurity. In my mind, that would almost qualify for being the very definition of it!

To learn more about moving your marriage into an action-based relationship instead of a feeling-based relationship, and to start learning how to take care of your “house” in a better way, you may want to take a look at our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in a Marriage. For more information, Click Here.