Wife Caught Me Texting Another Woman
Question:
“I have been married 8 years. My wife and I recently got into a fight over a picture of a friend she found on my phone. I lied about it to avoid confrontation and an argument. She asked me several times and I still lied.
I was in a panic so we wouldn’t argue. She gave me a chance to come clean but I didn’t for fear of the way all arguments end. They end with us not talking for days. Once it was even a week. With her anger taking over she went through the phone records looking for calls and text messages from this friend. We had been texting for 3 months about our old High School days and family stuff. My wife found it suspicious and accused me of cheating. Now she admits I didn’t cheat and is angry for me lying to her. I am truly remorseful and have asked the Lord for forgiveness and her as well. It’s been 3 weeks now and she is still angry and barely speaks to me. She says she is not hurt but angry and can’t get over it. She has now been going out with her friends and says she is not ready to try and fix our marriage or give me a chance. What should I do? Can I save my marriage?”
Answer:
First of all, we need to take a little time and learn a few lessons from this situation:
Lesson #1: Social texting with members of the opposite sex, long phone conversations with members of the opposite sex for social purposes, eating lunch together alone with another man or woman other than your spouse, et cetera are out of the question once you are married.
One of the reasons why some marriages improve after an affair (whether physical or emotional) is that couples start to take the matter of sexual temptation very seriously. The scriptures point out that we all have a very dark side called the flesh, and, to be honest, the flesh is capable of destroying your marriage, literally, overnight.
I am saved, in the ministry, and I speak, write, and talk about this subject all day long, however, my wife and I predetermined many years ago that we would not purposely put ourselves in a position where temptation could “rear its ugly head”.
Lesson #2: When you mess up, you fess up. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.”
You and your wife should, first of all, consider getting some outside help by way of counseling or coaching. Trust is like a glass jar. It is much easier to break than to put it back together. Right now, there is very little trust between you and your wife. Consequently, husbands and wives in your position typically make really bad counselors of one another. Not only that, but you are too emotionally involved to try and fix this yourself. By the way, at Hitting Home, we provide Christian-based marriage coaching to couples in need. Call us at 1-888-354-2346 for questions.
Let me say that getting outside help is not a sign of weakness, but actually a sign of strength. This is because pride is a weakness, but humility is a strength. Not only that, but the scriptures tell us that “. . . in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” (Proverbs 24:6).
Secondly, your wife has, without a doubt, taken her heart, built a castle around it, and she has shut the door up tight. Now, you stand outside of the door with the task to encourage her to let it down. There are a few things that you will need to do in order to accomplish this:
1. Be patient. When you show signs of impatience at this point, this sends out the subtle message to her that your motives are self-centered. Give her time to process your mistake. If not, she will feel less compelled to let down that door.
2. Let her know that you are willing to be totally accountable to her. The formula for rebuilding trust is Change over Time. However, she will not know if she can trust you if she is not able to look at your phone records, email accounts, et cetera.
3. Give her space. If you are constantly pursuing, talking, calling, and texting at this time, you are also agitating. About 90% of the time, when I coach people in your position to stop the hunt, the fox stops running. In other words, the harder you push at this time, the more she will pull away. Sometimes, love means giving people space. In fact, when we don’t give people the space they are requesting, we are showing more love for our own fears and insecurities than the other person involved.
There is more that I could share, however, I would like to close by saying that you need to be sure to allow this to be a “wake-up” call for you. Many couples have recovered from far more difficult circumstances, however, you need to take this knife by the handle instead of the blade and allow this situation to motivate you to start replacing the bad ingredients in your relationship with good ingredients. I would recommend that you start by taking a look at our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage. To check this out, Click Here.
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Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
