Pastor’s Wife Needing Advice for Marital and Personal Issues
Question:
“Growing up, I always had an issue with depression. I am now older, married, with children and I still find myself feeling worthless. It spills over into my life, can’t complete anything, fuss a lot. And its like when I do make an attempt to do something it seems as if it angers some. I am lost. I am a Christian, and my husband is a pastor, but even with that, I still feel like I am such a disappointment to others. When I worked, I would do my best, but couldn’t keep a job. Since my husband has been pastoring I have to endure so much more now, and it’s like I have no one I can just talk to about my true feelings. I am constantly putting on a front daily, and I just want to be myself for once. I am tired of crying, I am tired of faking, and I just want to do better. But it seems as though that’s not possible. I don’t think my husband is happy with me, he just tolerates me for the sake of the church and kids. I am lost, what can or should I do?”
Answer:
First of all, I am not qualified to provide treatment or psychiatric care for those suffering from depression. I am a Christian life and relationship coach that offers practical advice from a distinctly Christian perspective to those that want to better their current situation. Therefore, I want to be clear that if you are suffering from depression, you should be sure to seek out professional, state licensed care.
All that being said, it never hurts to make a few practical changes in your life for the better, and I am happy to provide some type of help as I have personally been a pastor in three churches.
Let me say that I understand the difficulty. When a pastor and his wife have marital issues or personal problems, not only is their personal happiness and contentment at stake, but also, their job and, consequently, their livelihood are at stake. Therefore, this puts an added pressure on you that few others understand.
Let me say that it seems like you put a lot of “stock” in how other people view you. To be frank, this is an extremely enslaving issue with many people. That is, if you look at Pilate in the scriptures (Matthew 27), he was trying to please Caesar, the Jews, his soldiers, the angry mobs, his wife, and his conscience. If you read that passage with this idea in mind, you will start to feel the bondage that Pilate was in.
In my opinion, Pilate could have eliminated all of those enslaving feelings by just understanding that there is only one Person that we can please all the time, and, of course, that person is God. However, and this is a huge however, it would have taken Pilate quite of bit of “spiritual guts” and faith to carry that out.
I would rather be a free man with people upset around me, than an emotionally enslaved person that is in bodage to the whims of others. Listen, people are going to talk about you anyway. They might as well talk about you as a free man rather than a person held in the bondage of their own emotional prison.
Faith is believing God and leaving all the consequences to him. In fact, it would appear to me that it will take an act of faith for you to be yourself and leave all the consequences, no matter what they be, to God. This will probably eliminate a great amount of confusion in your life. In fact, I would say that your mind seems very fogged up by feelings and thoughts like “What will happen if . . .”, “What will my husband think if . . .”, or “What will happen to my husband’s church if I do not . . .”. Many of these thoughts may be eliminated if you would simply get the courage to be yourself and leave ALL the consequences to God.
Now, the above mentioned principle does not mean that we have liberty to be mean, rude, or self-centered. In fact, I often tell people that I was very insecure as an 18 year old Bible college student, and, consequently, I was always putting up a front before others. That is, I often struggled with how I should talk, react, and act around others. I Corinthians 13:8 was a great help to me. This verse says that “Charity [love] never faileth . . .”. That is, instead of trying to be this way or that way around others, I started to realize that the best way to ensure that I am acting the way I should is to just love others in conversation, word, and deed. In fact, I saw that I needed to love until this became who I am, a loving, caring person. This, in and of itself, was very liberating to me.
You may want to order our book on anger called Angry Without a Cause. I believe many of the principles would be helpful for a person in your position. This book may be ordered by Clicking Here or going to www.HelpwithAnger.com.
One of the excerpts that I would be interested in you reading is actually on this particular site. To access, Click Here.
It seems like there are a variety of negative thoughts floating around your mind about your life, your husband, your husband’s job, the people in your church, et cetera. I often say that negativity is like acid to the brain and the body. Slowly, but surely, it has a way of eating away any amount of joy, peace, and contentment in your life.
I would highly recommend that you read and apply three scriptures to your life at this time. These three scriptures are Philipians 4:6-8. These scriptures say:
“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ”
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
These scriptures are God’s remedy for those that are suffering from feelings of anxiousness and negativity. Notice the three ingredients in God’s recipe for overcoming these issues, thankfulness, faith in God, and dwelling on the positive in every situation.
I would say that I would be interested in making these three verses your manual to live by for 21 days, and see if God is not able to accomplish great things for you and your feelings of anxiousness and worthlessness during that time.
I have heard some say that our taste buds change every 21 days. Some say less, whereas some say more. Nevertheless, you probably have developed an emotional appetite for negativty, and I would be interested in seeing you forcing yourself to intake and digest positive thoughts that are founded upon faith and thankfulness for 21 days. After that, see if your emotional appetite does not start to turn its nose up at negative thinking after this time. It worked for me!
I take great delight in coaching Pastors and their families. Please feel free to call at 1-888-354-2346 if you should need further assistance. Please keep in mind, however, we do charge for telephone coaching. In fact, here is a testimonial from a Pastor that we are able to help:
“All marriages face challenges from time to time. In the fall of 2008 our marriage faced an enormous attack from the enemy. Dr. Force . . . not only saved our marriage, but . . . brought us closer together, strengthened our marriage and gave me insight by looking at and comparing my responses to Biblical based mandates from God. Dr. Force’s style not only improved my ability to be a husband, respond to my wife and save my marriage, but also helped me be a better Pastor.” – Pastor, CT
May God bless you!
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
To Order our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage, Click Here.
Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
