Is My Childhood Affecting Our Marriage?
Question:
“I had a bad upbringing. My father and my mother were rarely there for me, and my husband had a rough childhood also. Do you think this is affecting our marriage?”
Answer:
Of course. It always does. In fact, I will answer your question by posting a previous article that I have written. It is called, “Is this the Source of Your Marriage and Family Problems?”
Many adults seem to be trying to get out of life what they did not receive from their dads when they were children. I know that we often tell people that everyone is born with a “God-shaped vacuum” in their heart, but I also believe that we are born with what I call a “dad-shaped vacuum”.
You are possibly married to a person in the above mentioned condition, or this may even describe you. That is, either you, your spouse, or even both of you had basic love needs that were never met in a functional way as children, and, now that you are adults, you may find yourselves trying to fill these love needs in a way that does more to hurt your lives and marriage than to help.
How do some try to fill these love needs? Some use illicit relationships, substance abuse, and Internet abetted pornography and affairs, while others use more respectable means such as busyness, looking at food as a friend, work, over-acheiving, or even over indulging in hobbies and recreational activities as false “fillers” in their lives.
The problem with these false substitutes is not only could they hurt your relationship and fellowship with God, but they also could harm your relationship with your spouse and children. They may all do something to make you feel semi-good at the time, but their ultimate effects are harmful at best. Believe me. I receive phone calls everyday from people all over the world that are hurting because of the negative effects of these vices.
Now, is there any hope for people in this condition? Of course, but they must take the proper paths to peace and fulfillment in their lives. Below, I will mention a few of their options in order of importance:
1. God
He is the ultimate source of love, joy, and peace. His love can fill where others have left you empty. This, by the way, is not just religious rhetoric. The scriptures tell us that God is a ‘Father to the fatherless’.
2. Your Spouse
Your spouse’s love is not to be a substitute for God’s love, but it is a wonderful “fringe benefit”. That is, I call it the “icing on top of the cake”, if you will. A healthy marital relationship can do wonders in displaying God’s love “with skin on it”.
To learn how to truly love one another and meet the love needs of your spouse, we would recommend our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage. This Audio Cd Series features our Proven, 2-Step Process to learning how to truly love one another and snatch your relationship out of the cycle of resentment and anger. Click Here for more info.
3. Healthy Friendships. Just be careful who you hang around. Remember what mama used to say. “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
To Order our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage, Click Here.
Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
