I Do Not Have Respect for My Husband
Question:
“My husband has been self employed for a while. Within the last few years he has not worked very much. When he does get a job, he barely gets through it. His lack of desire to support us has been very damaging to our marriage. I do not have the respect I want to have for him & this has caused many other problems, especially with sexual desire. He is diabetic but we have been to doctors & he is pretty healthy. We are health minded with our eating. He is willing & has gone to our pastors to talk. We pray all the time about this, we both read the Word daily, listen to many sermons but nothing seem to help him. We have tried many ways to get help, but he always says he needs to get help… what does that mean? The church wants him to get ‘professional’ help but because he does not work, we cannot afford this. We already get financial help from family & have maxed out our credit cards. I have always helped in our business with the book keeping & such. I do not have skills beyond min. wage & I take care of our grandson 4 days a week so my getting a job would not help much. Thank you for whatever advice you offer.”
Answer:
I would like to address just a few aspects of your question. You said:
“I do not have the respect I want to have for him . . .”
In my mind, this is how I translate that statement:
“I do not feel respect for him.”
In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says:
“. . . and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
The Bible never tells us to wait until we feel good about obeying God before we obey Him. In fact, I often have people tell me things like “I just don’t have the love for my husband that I used to.” or “I just struggle because I don’t have any respect for my husband.” When I put my hand on a power chord, though I may not feel the electricity, it is, without a doubt, still flowing through the power chord. I may not feel cell phone waves bombarding my body and my brain, but they certainly exist. In like manner, just because you do not feel respect toward your husband does not mean that you do not possess the ability to show it. Furthermore, just because you do not feel respect, does not mean that you should not show it.
Men are to earn respect rather than demand it, however, we have a terrible tendency to demand it without earning it. Nevertheless, this does not let you off of the hook. I Peter 3:1 actually tells wives to show it even when their husbands do not necessarily earn it.
When men and women fight, it is typically because the man feels disrespected and the woman feels unloved. You can fight, argue, or debate the respect factor, but in 6,000 years of world history, it has never helped wives to show disrespect toward their men. In fact, it only perpetuates what I call the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in a marriage.
Carefully read an excerpt from our Christian Anger Management book called Angry Without a Cause (Click Here for more information about this book.) that deals with this very same subject:
“Throughout time, women have been tempted to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands because they fail to measure up to their expectations. A woman that has given in to this temptation must realize that when she holds back from loving her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards, she is simply holding her love as a ransom until he comes up with the appropriate payment. This is actually a form of manipulation.”
You also wrote:
“I do not have skills beyond min. wage . . .”
I reject this idea. I say this in love, but this is a “defeatist” attitude.”
First of all, instead of thinking, “I need to get a job.”, maybe you should consider creating a job.
Being in the ministry, I have had times when the bread that I was bringing home was not sufficient to meet our needs. My wife has always been wonderful in that she has never held this over my head. In fact, there have been times when she has made flyers and taken in ironing. She started this little business with about $5 of overhead while I was serving in a little church in Idabel, Oklahoma. In just a few weeks, she had ladies bringing over there clothes by the armfuls for her to iron. Guess what? Without leaving the house, she was making $15-$20 and hour in her living room. No degree necessary for that.
My wife, on one occasion, needed some extra money during the Christmas season. What did she do? She made batches of chocolate chip cookies and took them from business to business. She usually sold out within a couple hours and made more in a few hours than she would have punching a clock. Once gain, no degree or special training required for that either.
Proverbs 31:12 speaks of the virtuous woman and says:
“She [the wife] will do him [the husband] good and not evil all the days of her life.”
The idea is that the virtuous woman does not sit around and dwell on what her husband is or is not doing. Actually, she takes the lemons that she has and makes the best lemonade that she can. The only other alternative is to go negative and hurt you, your husband, and the name of God in the process.
To order our Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in a Marriage that talks about the idea of showing respect toward your husband, Click Here.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
To Order our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage, Click Here.
Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
