Help Forgiving My Spouse
Question: “I seem to be having trouble forgiving my spouse for the things he has done to me and the kids.”
Answer:
I’ll answer your question by providing a excerpt from our book, Angry Without a Cause.
One of the key factors to experiencing healing from deep emotional wounds and the anger that often results from them is forgiveness. Paul touched on this principle in his letter to the church in Ephesus. In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul wrote:
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and ANGER, and clamour, and evil speaking . . . be put away from you . . . and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, FORGIVING ONE ANOTHER, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Do you like to read those cute little statements that churches put on their signs? I know; some are kind of corny, but I must admit that others have been a great source of sermon fodder for me. On one occasion this is what I saw in front of a church as I was speeding by:
“Forgiveness is letting the prisoner go, and realizing that, all along, the real prisoner was you.”
When people fail to forgive those that have harmed them, they are opting to hold on to hurt feelings, and, quite frankly, those feelings will eventually cause them to live in an emotionally imprisoned state. Anger, bitterness, fear, and pessimism will be the bars that hold them captive. Unless they learn to forgive their perpetrator, they will allow that very same person to victimize them twice. Once, when the initial crime takes place, and again as they live lives tormented by their feelings of contempt for anyone and everything that reminds them of their painful past.
Forgiveness is giving up the right to be mad, get even, or maintain a spirit of bitterness toward someone that has violated you. When God forgave us, He gave up His right to punish us for violating His law. He gave up the right to carry out Divine justice upon our lives. The problem is that PEOPLE WHO NEGLECT TO FORGIVE THOSE THAT HAVE HURT THEM, ARE OFTEN PUNISHING THOSE THAT ARE CLOSEST TO THEM IN THE PRESENT FOR THE VERY SAME INJUSTICES.
All over the world, there are ex-church members that, at one time or another, were hurt by one of their former pastors or fellow members. Though their wounds were received in the PAST, in an odd sort of way, they are now punishing themselves and the churches that they skittishly attend by withholding their allegiance, talents, resources, and affections from the rest of the body. Although they have much to offer other believers, their inner defense mechanisms will not allow them to be thrust into another situation where they might be hurt again.
By the way, it seems that for the past thirty or forty years, pastors have been doing all they can to paint a beautiful picture of Christianity, so the world will be attracted to it. But Jesus did not use this as a method for promoting Christianity. In Mark 8:34-38 and Luke 14:25-27, Jesus forthrightly taught that Christianity is characterized by a cross. Do you know what a cross was used for in biblical times? It was an instrument of capital punishment. In Bible times, people’s minds were not full of thoughts of ornate buildings and old-fashioned songs when Jesus mentioned the cross. Instead, they thought of a method of punishment that produced a tremendous amount of shame, humiliation, pain, and agony.
I would like to say something that we need to say more in the church at large. SOMETIMES, CHRISTIANITY HURTS, and people (even Christians) are often the source of that pain. I certainly do not mean to come across as harsh or insensitive, but some people just need to get over the fact that they have been violated and mistreated by other people. Crosses hurt, and if you are going to follow Christ, you had better realize that following Christ can sometimes be a painful experience.
I have also observed that there are many church leaders, owners of businesses, managers, and supervisors that seem to be punishing those under their authority for the relational crimes committed against them early in their careers. These leaders are often standoffish, overly negative, and devoid of vision. They have not only lost their faith in God, but also in people. Their expectations are low and no young visionary is going to change their minds. They will just not allow disappointment to have another shot at knocking them down. Leaders in this position will find that a spirit of forgiveness and some simple changes in thought processes will help them make tremendous progress in this area.
Before I end this section, I would like to clarify that when God gave up the right to punish us for our sins, it was not that He just looked the other way and nonchalantly allowed us to enter into His family. Actually, before He could forgive us and give up the right to punish us, He had to allow His only Son, Jesus Christ, to be punished for our sins. Now, those that repent and turn to Christ by faith are forgiven of all their sins that they have ever committed.
By the way, aren’t you glad that God forgives you every time you sin? Aren’t you glad that God forgives you no matter how grievous your sin is in His sight? Aren’t you glad that God forgives you no matter how often you commit the same sin over and over again? If so, then we should also be willing to forgive others in the same way
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
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Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
