Experiencing Resentment and Bitterness Toward My Husband
Question:
“My husband and I have been married for 15 years. About 5 or 6 years ago, I started experiencing resentment and bitterness toward my husband. He has allowed his mother, brother, and sisters to disrespect me throughout our marriage, especially his mom.
I’m still dealing with guilt for not completely forgiving my spouse for watching porn for 2 years and not being intimate with me. He believes that it was no big deal since he wasn’t saved, but I was saved.
Last, but not least, I have used sarcasm as a defense mechanism because I have also had to deal with his angry outbursts that can be scary. Communication is nonexistent between us, and I have contemplated divorce . . . I’m weary and tired of trying to hold things together. Can you help? “
Answer:
Your marriage is a perfect example of why we have developed (or rather discovered) our 2-Step Process. No, I don’t mean for this to be an advertisement, however, I want to use your situation to portray the beauty of our philosophy on helping couples. In fact, I saw that you ordered our Audio Cd, so I believe this will help you to see the importance of applying the 2-Steps to your particular situation. Read this little excerpt about our 2-Step Process (Click Here for more info.).
“When Dr. Force first started working with troubled marriages, he would spend large amounts of time trying to keep couples from doing the thousands of things that couples shouldn’t be doing. Consequently, he often found couples leaving sessions more frustrated than when they came in the door, and he was finding his efforts to be rather fruitless. Finally, a better, faster, and more efficient way of dealing with marital issues was discovered.
Instead of dealing with all the cracks, Dr. Force saw that it was more important to deal with just a few foundational issues. That is, instead of working to clean up the pus in their relationship, he found that he needed to get to the wounds that were causing the pus. This is what inspired Hitting Home’s 2-Step Process.
Why does it work? Simple. By virtue of doing the 2-Steps that we promote, couples stop doing the thousands of things that often tear apart husbands and wives. So, instead of dealing with the “thou shalt nots”, we concentrate on the 2 things that couples absolutely need to be doing to have the relationship that they have always longed for.”
Right now, there is a lot of puss in your relationship. The anger, bitterness, resentment, mother-in-law issues, problems with porn, lack of sex or physical intimacy, et cetera are all puss, and, to be frank, you have a choice. You can either spend your days looking at the puss and complaining about the puss, or you can do what it takes to take care of the wounds that are causing the puss. In fact, we would recommend that you take the same energy that you are using to complain about the puss and apply it toward seeing positive change in your relationship. Mark it down, nothing else will work. It hasn’t for the last 6,000 years, and you are not going to be the first.
Also, it is vital at this time for you to remove your sins and mistakes out of the picture. In other words, it could be that your husband’s vision of seeing his own sins and mistakes is blurred because all he can see is your own. This is another reason why it will be important for you to apply the 2 Steps to your marriage. This will isolate his own issues so that he can clearly see where he needs to change.
You also said, “I’m weary and tired of trying to hold things together . . .”. This is common and totally normal. When you are young and in your twenties, your body and mind seem resilient in that they tend to bounce back from anything. At some point, your body and mind stop bouncing back from emotionally and physically difficult circumstances. This is probably where you are at. Plus, you feel that there is no more hope. I would recommend the following:
1. You must accept the fact that you cannot change your husband. You can create the atmosphere so that there is a greater chance for change to take place, but you cannot guarantee it. Remember, you can never do more than God can.
2. You cannot hinge your happiness on your husband’s obedience or disobedience to God and His ways. Your happiness must come from God alone.
3. I Corinthians 13:7 says that love “believeth all things, hopeth all things.” In other words, it is important for you to view your husband through the eyes of faith. I wouldn’t look at him for what he is, but rather for what he can be though Christ. This will have a great affect on your tone of voice, your actions, and your attitude toward your husband.
4. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, or if you feel that your life is in danger in any way, then you should protect yourself. God would never expect you to stay in an abusive situation. If you are in danger, then you may need to call a local woman’s shelter in your area.
Finally, you mentioned that you are having a difficult time forgiving yourself. This typically stems from the fact that many people struggle with guilt because they have not accepted the fact that they are capable of committing the sins or mistakes that they have made. The scriptures tell us that we are all very capable of just about anything. Look at David. A man that was used to write a good portion of the book of Psalms committed adultery and murder. If have messed up, fess up and accept that we are all capable of just about anything that displeases God. That does not condone our sin, however, I find that most people that struggle with guilt are usually having a tough time accepting that they were capable of such negative behavior.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
To Order our Audio Cd Series called How to Break the Cycle of Resentment and Anger in Your Marriage, Click Here.
Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
