Are Social Networking Sites Hurting Marriages? (Temptation for Adultery)
Question:
“I am married to a loving man who has a successful established career. We have four young children and we are very committed to establishing a Godly home. We have been married 15 years. Early in our marriage we did some inner healing work where my husband sought forgiveness for his promiscuous lifestyle as a teen and young adult. I asked for forgiveness in a similar manner. Together we forgave each other for any ways that our past inequities made our offering of self less than what we could have offered without that “baggage.” Agreeing that those behaviors were part of the past, the product of emotional and spiritual immaturity, reconciliation took place. In the last two years, with the rise of social networking, we have had several individuals from the past (with whom their was a sexual relationship) make contact with the other. There have been replies in varying degrees, sometimes sending pictures of family, etc. Considering the fact that we have previously dealt with the effects of the past, accepted the sensibility of letting “the past stay in the past,” and that there has been reconciliation, I am wondering about establishing (for both of us) healthy, proactive boundaries to protect the treasure of our marriage. I am considering a “no contact” agreement with my husband regarding those whom either of us has had a sexual relationship in the past. That is to say that if one of us should receive an email or phone message from such individual, there would be no reciprocal response (though always offering prayers of thanksgiving for the reconciliation that has been established) so as to keep the past in the past, rather than it becoming a present reality. Does such an approach seem sensible as part of a good maintenance plan for a healthy marriage or should spouses be able to trust each other’s capacity to contend with those shut doors swinging open and thus demonstrate the ability to be faithful in the midst of those interactions?”
Answer:
First of all, you and your husband are far ahead of the pack when it comes to dealing with pre marriage and marital issues. I can tell the Holy Spirit has done a great work in both of you. God will bless you greatly for generations to come for your emotional and spiritual work that you have put into your family!
Unfortunately, social networking sites (like Facebook, MySpace, et cetera) are giving me a lot of business right now, and I am very concerned about the effects of “old flames” reuniting in such a way.
Trust is an interesting issue in that I trust my wife and my wife trusts me, however, neither one of us trust our flesh. In fact, that would correlate with scripture, would it not? Take a look at the following verses in the Bible:
Romans 7:18 – “For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.”
Matthew 26:41 – “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Galatians 5:19 – “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness . . .”
Galatians 5:17 – “For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.”
I have now been a Christian for about 20 years, and one of the frustrating aspects of being saved is that when God saved my soul, He did not save my body. As a matter of fact, I have the same flesh today that I had as a teenager when I did not know Christ.
All that being said, let me offer you a quote out of our Audio Cd Series on Premarital Issues as they relate to teens, singles, and parents of the same called Divorce 101 – How to Prepare for a Mediocre Marriage (Click Here to check this out). This is from an excerpt dealing with teens and singles and how to avoid sexual temptation or sex outside of marriage.
“I’m saved, in the ministry, happily married, satisfied in every way, and I teach and preach on these issues all day long, and I still will not willingly put myself in a position where temptation is in my way. That is, I do not text for social purposes with members of the opposite sex, I do not carry on long phone conversations with other ladies for social purposes, and I will not eat lunch or even ride together with another lady if my wife or another person is not present. Why? Because I do not want to put myself in a position that would allow temptation to rear its ugly head.”
Simply put, my wife and I decided many years ago to draw certain boundaries in our relationship as far as members of the opposite sex are concerned. As a young couple, we looked around and started to notice how many couples were falling into sexual temptation, and we decided that we were not going to give our flesh the opportunity to be, the flesh.
I believe that strong people are not those that wait until temptation comes their way before they take decisive action. People show that they possess real strength by avoiding certain situations altogether. A good scripture for this is Romans 13:14. This verse says:
“But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”
So, to answer you original question, by setting boundaries you are not showing a lack of faith in your spouse as much as you are placing a greater amount of faith in what God has already written concerning our own flesh or bodies.
Also, let me say that there is no problem with the “no contact” agreement. Let’s face it. The knowledge of knowing that your spouse has been physically intimate with someone else before marriage is hard enough without having to put up with friendly conversation between the two. Let’s go even deeper. Many people already struggle with images and thoughts of their spouse being intimate with others before marriage. Contact after marriage will only help to breed more insecurity, temptation, and possible strife.
I really reject the subtle spirit that is in our world today that seems to look down on anyone that wants to protect their own interest in the realm of marriage. That is, I feel that their are a great amount of underlying tones in our society that send out the message that if you want to protect your marriage against sexual temptation that you are automatically an insanely jealous person. Um, there IS a good type of jealousy according to the scriptures. In fact, the Bible states that God’s name is Jealous (Exodus 20:5). That is, in a healthy way, God wants our love shared with no other, and He does not want things to come in our lives that would tempt us to violate this love-principle.
In our Christian Anger Management book, Angry Without a Cause (Click Here for ordering information), we talk about the fact that it is impossible to love flowers without hating weeds. That is, it is impossible to love something or someone without hating that which would potentially do that something or someone serious harm. In other words, there is no problem with protecting your interest as long as your motive is out of true love for the great things that God has done in your marriage and life up to this point.
Also, in relation to the “no contact” rule, I have found it best to advise couples to abide by the following principle:
“If someone is not having fun, then no one is having fun.”
Translated, if one person in the relationship struggles with the idea of certain types of contact with the opposite sex, then that particular person’s reasonable requests win out.
Watch this Short Video to See if Your Marriage May be Caught in the Cycle of Resentment and Anger
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Answer submitted by Christian Marriage Speaker and Coach, Dr. Raymond Force
